Years ago, I was betrayed by someone very close to me. To say it hurt would be an understatement. I thought this person was going to be in my life forever, so their betrayal threw me for a loop. I struggled to process the intense shock, anger, and sadness I felt. It caused me to wonder if they genuinely valued me like they said because their actions made me feel insignificant. I wished with my whole heart that we could work it out and somehow still be in each other’s lives, but unfortunately, we couldn’t.
Betrayal is “the sense of being harmed by the intentional actions or omissions of a trusted person.” I like this definition because it includes “omissions,” which means “failing to do something.” While sometimes betrayal comes from maliciousness for selfish gain, other times it comes from a failure to be honest about a situation that could hurt the person involved. When someone is dishonest towards you, it feels unsettling. It taints the parts of your relationship that you cherished and makes you question what was real and what was not. Essentially, you have to sort through the anger you feel from their actions and the grief you feel from losing them in your life. Or, if you choose to keep them in your life, the grief you feel from how their actions changed what your relationship once was.
So, how do you process such conflicting emotions? How do you learn to accept the good and bad aspects of your experience? How do you move on after maybe not receiving the apology or reconciliation you hoped for? Honestly, speaking from experience, it’s a really painful and messy process. One that requires work because you cannot avoid the pain. It needs to be addressed; otherwise, it will show up in other areas of your life. Trust me on that one. I learned it the hard way. I wish I could give a step-by-step on how to heal from betrayal, but I can’t since everyone processes emotions uniquely.
However, I can give some practical actions that helped me process my emotions: I prayed for God to comfort me and give me clarity (which He did), talked about it in therapy (to connect what other wounds their betrayal triggered for me), vented about it with select people I trusted, journaled a lot (because sometimes we don’t want to share all our thoughts with others, and that’s okay), carved out times to process my emotions (because it’s super easy to stay busy and avoid them), and practiced self-compassion as best as I could.
Moving on from a deep betrayal can feel impossible at times. But there is hope. With applied grace, truth, and time (which I will elaborate on in my next post), healing is possible. You will be able to accept that their actions harmed you while still honoring how they positively impacted your life beforehand. And you can get the closure you need, whether they are capable of being a part of it or not.
One Biblical command helped me in every stage of my journey of moving past betrayal. In Matthew 5:44, Jesus tells us to “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Ouch. The is the absolute last thing you want to do after someone hurts you is pray good things for them. Yet, Jesus tells us to do it. Why? I believe one reason is to soften our hearts towards the people who hurt us, which helps free us from holding onto the pain they caused. When we can view the people who betrayed us as imperfect people who acted out of their pain, it becomes easier to find clarity and forgive. Praying for those who hurt us also stops bitterness from taking root and hardening our hearts.
Therefore, despite how hard it feels in the moment, I encourage you to pray for those who hurt you. You will be surprised at the strength God gives you through it, as I have been. And for anyone currently healing from a betrayal, I am so sorry you are going through this. Another person’s harmful actions towards you are not your fault. The fact that you have to pick up the pieces is unfair, but I hope that you will pick them up for yourself because you’re worth it. I pray God gives you all the love and support you need to heal and move forward.