A principle I actively try to live by is being slow to speak and quick to listen, as it says in James 1:19. I believe the most significant reason people open up to me, in and out of therapy, is simply because I am slow to speak and quick to listen. I ask people how they are doing and then wait until they answer, and if they give a short answer and I feel like there’s more they may want to share, I wait longer. One of the greatest gifts you can give to someone going through something challenging is your undivided attention with an empathetic ear. Most of the time, people aren’t looking for others to solve their problems when they share them. They just need someone to listen. Research shows that the act of being listened to alone activates several areas of the brain.
There are prominent differences between just hearing and actively listening. A person just hearing someone isn’t entirely in tune with the person. They may hear parts of what they say but not all of it. They may respond to the parts that interest them most while missing the parts most important to the person sharing. They may even be thinking of what their response to the person will be while the person is talking. On the other hand, a person who is actively listening devotes their entire focus to the person sharing. They pay attention to their body language, nonverbal cues, and keywords to be in tune with the person sharing. They listen to the words they say, along with the feelings connected to them. They intentionally enter into the person’s world and listen so they can mirror back to them that they understand their experience. Big difference, right? This may be a difficult reflection question for some, but it can prompt growth in this area if you let it. If you want certain people to open up to you more, ask yourself if you are just hearing or actively listening to them. Sometimes, people don’t share things because of their shame or other internal reasons, but sometimes, they don’t share because they don’t want to be just heard; they want to be actively listened to.
One of my favorite listeners was my childhood dog, Angel. Anyone who is a dog person like me gets it. Dogs are so special for many reasons, one of which is that they are phenomenal listeners. The fact that they cannot speak contributes to that, of course, but we can learn from that. Dogs’ inability to speak leaves room for us to talk to them unfiltered, knowing that no matter what we say and how many tears we shed, they will be there looking at us with love in their eyes. Angel was an incredible comforter, and she was also great to share things I was excited about to. She listened as I shared about how my day was at school or how my softball game went. We must also be listened to in mundane and positive aspects of our lives. Sharing our experiences with people (or dogs) who genuinely listen to them makes what we are going through feel more real. Otherwise, why would we need to share anything with anyone?
An important thing to notice within yourself is when you need to be listened to by someone. Have you ever been telling someone about something hard you’re going through, and they respond with potential solutions to fix your problem or wise insights and lessons that you could gain from the experience? Meanwhile, as they respond that way, you feel a little frustrated because all you want is to feel understood. That’s how you know you need to be listened to. I actually had this happen to me last week. I noticed my frustration and kept trying to communicate my pain to the person in a way that could lead to them understanding me instead of sharing solutions and insights. Then, the person got it. They stopped sharing, came and sat next to me, hugged me, and listened as I shared my heart with tears streaming down my face. I left that conversation barely remembering the wise insights they shared, but I’ll never forget feeling understood and deeply cared for by them. When you recognize the need to be listened to within yourself, it’s okay to ask someone you know can do that to meet that need for you. A simple “Hey, I’m going through this tough thing right now, and I don’t want any advice. I just need you to listen to me.” goes a long way.